On a scale of bodega roses to the Bronx Botanical Garden, where does Desus Nice fit? This is NYQ, a series in which we find out how “New York” notable New Yorkers really are.
How many years have you lived in New York City? My whole life, minus three years, so let’s say about 42 years.
You could make one subway etiquette rule law — what would it be? Ugly babies should be in the back of the train.
Someone bumps into you on the subway — what do you do? Size them up and realize — if you say something, will you have to fight them, and could it possibly end in a felony?
Your train line is down and you are running late — what do you do? Nine times out of ten, I get out and run. I like to look on Google Maps for how long it’s gonna take and then challenge it. So if it says 20 minutes, you try to do it in ten.
What’s the longest you’ve waited on a subway platform? I once waited a half an hour after a Yankees game for a train.
How often do you take public transportation to the airport? I used to have a job where I had to go to England every Friday, and I used to take the subway to the airport. So I have earned the right not to take the train to the airport anymore.
It’s a blinking red light and you’re about to cross — do you wait it out till it says walk, or are you crossing? You have to jaywalk every chance you get. You have to impress the tourists.
You have family coming to town in 24 hours — what do you do with them on short notice? I probably would take them tourist places. We’re going to Olive Garden and Times Square, to go see the Vessel — the worst places in New York, that’s where I’m taking my family.
What’s something a tourist does that you secretly still do? Anytime I’m at Astor Place, I have to make the cube spin.
Someone you want to impress asks for restaurant advice — what neighborhood do you send them to for the best Cuban food? Mott Haven in the Bronx. I’m a Bronx baby, so I’m always gonna send people to the Bronx.
Someone says the rats are actually cute — what’s your honest response? New York rats have an attitude, and they will charge at you.
Have you ever actually been to Staten Island? I’ve been to Staten Island once in my whole entire life. The whole idea of taking a boat to another borough doesn’t sit right with me.
Do you call Manhattan “the city” or just Manhattan? I still call it the city. That was the place people wanted to go to — it was aspirational when you lived in the Bronx.
How would you do the New York City accent? I would just open my mouth — everything that comes out of my mouth has a New York City accent.
Where do you go to cry? The pier over by the East River. The sounds of the waves and the ferry — no one will hear you.
Best New York celebrity sighting? So I saw Stef Manisero from NY1 at a Knicks game, and I completely lost it — even she didn’t know how to handle it.
What about NYC still makes no sense to you? That the train can be 24 hours. I have no idea how they pull it off, but we’re very lucky to have that.
You know you’re a New Yorker when … You can fall asleep on the train and you wake up magically at your stop — you can just sense it.
What’s a place that closed that you wish you could bring back? Foley’s on 33rd Street. It had the oldest urinals in New York City — ice, urinals you’d pee on and it’d melt.
Every New Yorker should do what at least once? Go to the Bronx Zoo. My favorite thing is the House of Darkness. On Wednesdays it’s free.
Sexiest New Yorker? Ellie the Elephant from the Liberty.
How much do you pay when you go to the Met? I pay the full amount. I have a little money now, so I’m giving back to the arts.
Have you ever cried over a New York sports team? A couple of weeks ago — my sweet Knicks, baby.
Last thing you used your famous-person status to get in New York? Balthazar, on the day of the Knicks parade — I was able to get a table really fast for me and my sisters.
How many times have you moved in New York? Five times. The first move was my first apartment — I didn’t use any cars, I actually moved on foot using my friends, and I paid them using Baileys and pizza.
Have you ever gotten a piece of furniture off the street? I got a dresser once. My mother taught me: If it’s pressed wood, it presses in — that’s from Ikea. But if you bite on it and it’s real wood … So I had to bite on a piece of wood in the middle of the street. I don’t recommend it.
