- When I started my job, I struggled to connect with my coworkers and hid behind my desk.
- A therapist told me to find common ground with my coworkers; I learned we shared a love of music.
- It was hard to maintain those new friendships when I left the company, but I’m working on it.
I would describe myself as shy and awkward around people I don’t know. A blend of issues — including the pandemic, a history of depressive symptoms, and teenage friendships suddenly ending — has made it difficult for me to connect with new people.
However, I wanted to make changes in my life. At work, I wanted to talk to people and make friendships with coworkers in the office. Staying silent at my office desk was part of that comfort zone my therapist told me to get out of, so I tried to break those invisible chains and take up some space.
Once I found the key to making friends in the workplace, I realized I no longer needed to hide behind my desk.
At first, I kept a distance from most of my coworkers
I worked in the marketing department of a small engineering and design company. My colleagues were mostly men under 35, while the two women were acquaintances from my childhood.
When I first started the job, I was in full withdrawing mode. Coming straight from the university halls, I was overwhelmed navigating the workplace dynamics. Additionally, I was certain I was asking stupid questions during meetings because my engineering knowledge was that of an elementary school kid. This led me to avoid talking if possible.
I mainly kept my distance and hid at my desk. Unfortunately, at 5’1″, I am not short enough to hide under office desks.
I slowly started getting more comfortable with my coworkers
I had to interview some of my colleagues for projects and ask them to explain very complex engineering concepts. From there, I got more comfortable with them; it was like breaking the ice. I began exchanging more words than “good morning” at 8:25 a.m. in the elevator and “thank you” when they opened the door for me.
When I wanted to take these interactions to the next level, I turned to Beverley Fehr, a social psychologist at the University of Winnipeg who researches relationships, for help.
“Similarity is a major predictor of friendship,” she told me. “Coworkers at least have the workplace in common, so that is a good place to start. From there, you can branch out into finding out whether you and a coworker have other things in common.”
So, I sought out similar interests — beyond our jobs. Surprisingly, I found things in common with them. I realized a lot of my coworkers liked listening to 80s music, which isn’t what you would expect from people born in the mid to late 90s. We also connected over playing musical instruments. Discovering these similarities was unexpected.
Fehr also told me it’s best to start slow when building friendships with coworkers. It’s better to share superficial information about yourself in the beginning. Try to build trust, and then you can build a personal relationship.
I also put that advice into practice. A few days before going to Greta Van Fleet’s concert, I opened up to my colleagues. I talked about why rock music meant so much to me. I wanted to test the waters to see who I could connect with even further. This started a stimulating exchange.
From that moment on, I felt increasingly relaxed with my colleagues; I could see ourselves becoming friends.
But I struggled to keep those relationships when I switched jobs
Jobs and relationships go and come in waves. Unfortunately, when leaving a company, the relationships you build in that place can break like glass.
“Part of the issue is the fact that you no longer see this person on a regular basis,” Fehr said. “Also, you now have less in common, especially if your friend is still at the same workplace. When we lose that proximity, it becomes much more difficult to maintain the relationship.”
That’s what happened to me. When my contract ended, I promised we would remain in contact. I knew people say these words to make goodbyes easier. Luckily, my colleagues invited me to a work happy hour a week after my time at the company ended. But it’s difficult for me to write to former colleagues without feeling forceful and invasive.
Fehr advised to make a deliberate effort to maintain contact with them. I just have to schedule a time to meet up for a casual hangout.
With that in mind, I bit the bullet. I just wrote a message to a former colleague to meet for coffee. After all, I need to hear their latest opinions about Greta Van Fleet and Avril Lavigne.
