Carrie Fisher and Billie Lourd Zak Hussein – Corbis/Corbis via Getty Images
Billie Lourd is remembering her mom Carrie Fisher on what would have been the Star Wars legend’s 68th birthday.
Fisher died of a sudden cardiac arrest at the age of 60 in December 2016. An autopsy concluded that the actress had traces of cocaine, heroin and MDMA in her system at the time of her death.
“My mom would’ve been 68 today. Dead person birthdays are weird to say the least,” Lourd, 32, wrote via Instagram on Monday, October 21, alongside a photo of her and Fisher celebrating an earlier birthday.
“On my mom’s birthday every year, I try to celebrate her as much as possible, but today I really wanted to celebrate her with her,” Lourd continued. “Some years my grief makes me feel the warmth of her love, some years it makes me angry, some years I feel numb but today when I woke up I just felt sad. I didn’t want to celebrate, I just wanted my mom.”
The American Horror Story actress went on, “My sadness bodysnatched me so I googled ‘average death age woman’ (ooohhh what a fun google billie!!! I promise the rest of my google search history has a sliightly more fun vibe?!) and google said it was 80.2. My mom died when she was 60. 60 is too damn young to die. I then googled drug overdose deaths (another fun morning google!!!) and it is over 100 thousand people per year.”
Lourd went on to describe how she tried to help Fisher overcome her drug addiction, which the Princess Leia actress had been vocal about during her lifetime.
“I did everything in my power to help my mom get sober but sadly my mom couldn’t ever escape her addiction. But while she was alive she always shared the ups and downs of that struggle with others in hopes it would help them escape their own addiction,” Lourd wrote. “As an addict, being open about the struggle is the only way through. And same goes for those of us affected by that struggle. Sending my love to anyone out there who has lost someone to drug addiction. You are not alone. ❤️”
Lourd recently recalled how her role in Gia Coppola’s new movie, The Last Showgirl, helped her feel closer to both Fisher and her late grandmother, Debbie Reynolds, who died one day after Fisher.
“When I met with Gia, I spoke about my mom and grandma’s relationship. Getting to play this character was extremely cathartic for me because it felt like [Pamela Anderson’s character] Shelley was my grandma and I got to be my mom,” Lourd said at the movie’s Toronto International Film Festival premiere in September.
She added: “I got to understand my mom on a deeper level than I ever had and it was a beautiful experience.”
The Last Showgirl stars Anderson as Las Vegas entertainer Shelley, who must reconcile with her new reality after her show unexpectedly closes after 30 years. Lourd plays her daughter, Hannah.
If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357).
