From the beginning, nothing about my relationship with my husband, Steve, was “normal.”
We met in 1990 and fell for each other quickly. We were engaged within a few weeks of our first meeting. My husband didn’t propose to me, and I didn’t propose to him; there was just a mutual assumption that we would get married and spend the rest of our lives together.
Since then, we have strayed from social and gender norms, doing what was right for us. Thirty years later, we are still paving our own way.
Our wedding was unique
We first went to a local jewelry store to buy my engagement ring and our wedding bands. I paid for all of them because we were both in graduate school, and I had more money than Steve.
Later, he accompanied me to a bridal shop. The saleswoman who assisted us was clearly shocked that I wanted to model several possibilities for Steve and have him help me choose my wedding dress. But she allowed it.
We got married in the chapel of our graduate school, the Lutheran Theological Seminary at Gettysburg. Because it was in Pennsylvania and my maid of honor (my best friend from high school) lived in New Orleans, she did not meet Steve until a couple of days before the wedding. Neither did the other bridesmaids, who lived in Mississippi. I didn’t have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party.
On the wedding day, my maid of honor was more anxious than I was. Standing in front of a crowd and being the center of attention was nothing new for me; I had led worship many times. And I was certain Steve was right for me.
Our marriage looked different than what was expected of us
After we graduated from seminary, Steve and I were pastors of different congregations. We didn’t worship together and rarely met the members of each other’s churches.
We defied social norms at home, too. We didn’t have kids. Steve did (and still does) the cooking; I pay the bills. Steve also does most of the cleaning and packing when we move. I research housing options, rent the U-Haul truck, forward our mail, and open accounts for the internet and other service providers. I also plan our vacations and local outings.
I have occasionally had full-time jobs while Steve was unemployed; we’ve also moved when I was offered a job in a distant city. I’ve had more evenings out and taken more trips with friends than Steve has.
Some people — usually men — believe that traditional gender roles require women to obey men. Steve knew that I would never be a silent or submissive wife and did not want me to be. Meanwhile, I knew that he would never compromise his ethics to make more money or climb the corporate ladder, and I did not want him to.
Three decades later, we’re happy we went against the norms
This year marked our 33rd anniversary. We still do what’s best for us and don’t care what others think. We’re middle-aged now and live in a one-bedroom apartment.
We defied what was expected of us again when we started new careers in our 50s. I’m now a freelance writer and mental health peer guide. I also have two part-time jobs as an ACT/SAT exam prep tutor and a church office administrator. Both are remote and let me control my work schedule. My husband is an Uber driver and a software developer.
We’re ignoring social norms like we always have because it always worked for us. Paving our own path has brought us joy, so we aren’t going to stop now.
